“Age is just a number.” We hear this phrase being thrown around a lot and only half the time does it actually stick. In the case of Batman coming out of retirement, once again, the reader finds himself riding the fence. At 55 years old, Bruce Wayne has slowed down dramatically. Considering that Gotham City has become a dystopian hellhole, the city needed Batman whether he was 55, 75, or even 100. Somewhere along the path of old age, Batman had become more violent and disturbing in his approach to fighting crime. He probably had to be in order to keep up with both father time and the dystopian world in which he lives, where crime breaks out on every street corner and every building in this city. And guess what? The Joker had not missed a step since passing into the elder end of his life. If anything, he too had become more sadistic and disgusting in his approach to violent behavior. When mixing the concepts of old age, rampant crime, and questionable justice, Frank Miller delivers with “The Dark Knight Returns”. And yes, it is a fast read, the short page count not withstanding. But anytime the name Frank Miller’s name comes up in conversation, so does the gigantic elephant in the room. An elephant so huge that he can’t even hide behind corporate buildings. Of course, I’m talking about Miller’s comments toward the Occupy Wall Street movement, referring to the protesters and “pond scum” and “rapists”. If you go to my post about “All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome”, you’ll see a little kitty joke I made at the end with an Occupy punch line. In case that alone doesn’t lend itself to what I think of Miller’s comments, then here it is. He’s done a hell of a job with “The Dark Knight Returns” and “Batman: Year One”, but his comments about the Occupy movement are disgusting as hell and I’m glad Alan Moore, the creator of Watchmen, had the sense to call him on that. If Frank Miller can continue to make awesomely violent comic books with a dark edge, then I promise to separate his work from his personal politics. I’m an atheist who listens to Skillet, so I think I’ll do just fine in ignoring political views I don’t agree with.
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“New rule: wing nuts have to stop saying they’re going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I’d rather have a dick in my mouth.”
-Bill Maher-
Somewhere in the 2000’s, this world became obsessed with the creature horror genre. Vampires, werewolves, zombies, if it was a hideous creature, you, the author, could do anything you wanted with it. What’s noteworthy about this particular 2000’s deadline is that after the Twilight series was published, there was an entire sprawl of authors who decided that putting terrifying creatures in romantic situations was an automatic goldmine. Scott Snyder and Stephen King could have taken that route with “American Vampire”. But guess what? They didn’t! In the “American Vampire” graphic novel, the two authors’ main character, Skinner Sweet, despite his last name is the antithesis of everything sparkly and fruity about the creature horror genre. Skinner Sweet is a savage. A monster. A wild west barbarian. He thinks that murder is more fun than a barrel of monkeys. He’d probably murder those too if he thought it would give him the adrenaline rush from hell. And I know what everybody reading a piece of vampire fiction is thinking. They’re thinking that if the sun comes out, the vampire in question is going to burst into flames and become nothing more than a desert of ashes. Right? Wrong, pacho! Being out in burning hot sunlight only makes Skinner Sweet stronger. Strong enough to make his favorite hobby of relentless murder a practical form of genocide. But don’t go thinking that Skinner is all about blood and guts. He actually helps a woman fight off a bunch of backstabbing coworkers. Granted, she too becomes a bloodthirsty neck nibbler, but you know what they say: a little bit goes a long way. After reading this literal “Bloodbath & Beyond” tale from front to back, I started to have slightly more respect for Stephen King as a novelist. His concepts are violently fucked up and look very cathartic on the pages of a graphic novel. I still have a hard time dragging my tired eyes along the quicksand path of his traditional novel pages. But if he decides to put out more comic books with the assistance of Scott Snyder, you’re damn right I’m going to snatch them off the shelves of my local Barnes & Noble.
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’ll slap you so fucking hard it’ll feel like you kissed a freight train!”
-Five Finger Death Punch singing “War Is the Answer”-
When it comes to impatient readers, there are those with a short fuse and those with no fuse at all. For those of you with no fuse at all, my next recommendation is a picture book. Not another graphic novel, but an actual picture book with captions underneath each picture. Not the best way to engage your mind, but if you’d like a few “aww’s” to come out of your mouth, then I recommend “All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome” by Kathy Hoopmann. As a cat lover and someone with autism, this book appealed to me right away. Each picture has a cat in a precarious pose with a symptom of autism as the corresponding caption. For instance, a common symptom is obsessing over an object and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a cat dancing around with a stuffed mouse. Another common symptom is heightened emotional sensitivity and once again, there’s a cat dancing around, this time arching it’s back at a barking dog. If you want a full list of all the symptoms of autism spectrum disorders, then Wikipedia actually has a good article on it. I know some people are skeptical of Wikipedia articles being accurate, but as far as I know, no giggling pre-teens have messed up the page on autism. I could be wrong. But in any event, after you get done reading that article, just picture cats bouncing and playing around in accordance with these symptoms. This book is every bit as true as it is cute and cuddly. And for a picture book, it’s actually engaging when it comes to autism education. If only school was as warm and fuzzy as this book. But since it isn’t, we’ll have to order ourselves a copy of this book instead. It might also be good idea to get “All Dogs Have Attention Deficit Disorder”. I haven’t read that one yet, but since I’m always in the mood for a few “aww’s”, I just may order it someday. Ordering pretty much any animal slash psychology book from Kathy Hoopmann is always a good idea. Always.
***JOKE OF THE DAY***
Q: What do you call an anti-corporate kitty?
A: Occu-pie!
In a blog about fast-paced books, it shouldn’t come as a huge surprise that I would include graphic novels. Never mind the fact that this particular graphic novel has the thickness of my pinky finger. It may be over before you know it, but it’s worth every second you spend reading it. It’s called “The Adventures of Unemployed Man”. It was published in 2010 and still has relevance in today’s world with the crappy economy. Think of all the factors that contribute to the destruction of the American economy and make a superhero parody out of those same factors. You’ve got the main character who starts out promoting “positivity” among poor people and encouraging them to “stop being lazy” and “get a job”. You’ve heard these lines before, I’m sure. And then, wouldn’t you know it, the same superhero who promotes these ideas gets fired himself and is forced to rub shoulders with economic outcasts such as the “Angry White Man” and the “Single Mother Woman”. I’m not sure what the exact names of these superheroes are, but they do serve as prototypes for those most affected by the economy. And guess what? The main villain of the story is a gigantic thumb that crushes everybody underneath it. The symbolism in these characters is so obvious that it forces you to giggle every couple of pages. But as you’re giggling, make sure you soak in the message of the graphic novel as much as possible. It’s okay to feel down about how the economy is hurting you, but if you’re going to be positive, be positive about your ability to affect change, not about being forced to smile as you’re being raped by the top 1%. The message couldn’t be clearer if it was written in a bright red neon noodle hovering over Las Vegas. The authors who wrote this graphic novel may have been working in such a short space, but that’s all they needed in order to make a complete story. Who cares if they make flash fiction look like the thickness of a Stephen King novel? It’s a damn good story. I give it five stars.
***POLITICAL DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
BILL MAHER: Did Barack Obama double the national debt?
MICHELLE CARUSO-CABRERA: What’re you all looking at me for?
BILL MAHER: Because you’re the only one crazy enough to say yes!
-Real Time With Bill Maher-
“The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian” is the main reason why I consider Sherman Alexie to be one of my personal influences. I’d like to read more work from this wonderful author, but I don’t know where to continue. But for now, consider this book to be one of the fastest and most enjoyable ones you’ll ever read. In this piece of autobiographical fiction, an Indian teenager named Arnold Spirit describes his dismal life of being bullied around on the Indian reservation in Spokane, Washington and how he went to an all-white school to get away from that. Just from this synopsis alone, you’d probably guess that there’s a lot of heartache for the reader to empathize with. But with every piece of heartache, there’re also some giggly moments. In fact, when a reviewer once said that he was “laughing while his heart was breaking”, I thought to myself that I couldn’t have said it better. One of my favorite lines in the whole book is when Arnold says, “It’s like stomping on the backs of baby seals on the way to the beach to protest seal clubbing.” I can’t remember what exactly it was he was describing, but it’s one of the giggly moments that you can enjoy while maintaining a quick flow. It made me wonder if having comedy increases the pace of the writing. It was certainly true for Carl Hiaasen’s work and “Napalm and Silly Putty” by George Carlin, so maybe that’s one of the reasons for Sherman Alexie’s breakneck pace. I’ll even go so far as to say that it doesn’t matter if you’re laughing like a hyena or smiling a Mona Lisa smile, because you won’t want to put the book down if you’re having a good time. It might also help if you the reader can relate to some of the themes of this book such as bullying, being in love, poverty, death, and friendship. While nobody could be compared to Arnold Spirit, you’ll still have plenty of reason to cheer him on as the story progresses. If you’re a writer and you need inspiration for whatever market you’re catering to, buy a copy of “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian”. Or if you just want to cry and laugh at the same time, that’s perfectly alright as well.
***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***
Mr. Anderson is a real TNA-hole.
My name is Garrison Haines-Temons. I’m a 2009 graduate of Western Washington University with a Bachelor’s in English. Having said that, I didn’t actually become an avid bookworm until just before my final quarter of school. Up until that point, I preferred movies over books. My reasoning for this was that books took too long to read and I wasn’t known for my patience. Ever since I picked up “The Cleaner” by Brett Battles in June 2009, I was still impatient, but the only thing that changed was that I discovered that books dictate their own pace. The books I read in college had very slow paces due to their heavy descriptions and uninteresting subject matter. Therefore, I made it a rule to only read books that dictate a moderate to quick pace. If I have to spend five minutes on one single page, that’s a sign that I’m not going to enjoy what I read. If the author takes multiple pages to describe one single action, that’s another sign of a boring book. I’m not a fan of Stephen King’s work, I rest my case. Carl Hiaasen and Bentley Little? Those are a pair of authors I can lend my support to. This entire blog will consist of book recommendations to you, my wonderful audience, based on their pacing and genre. You won’t see too many multi-layered works here, because they tend to be slow reads that drag on until eternity. Genre literature is more my style. One last thing before I end this introductory post: impatient reading is a style, not a flaw. I heard someone say that and I couldn’t agree more. I’d like to thank the people who spread that philosophy as well as the guy who started that quote. Now then, let’s get started!
***COMEDIC QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Drugs have done good things for us, I really believe that. And if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor: go home tonight, take all your albums, all your CD’s, all your tapes, and burn them. ‘Cause you know what, the musicians who made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrreally fucking high on drugs!”
-Bill Hicks-
